International Minimum Showbiz Age

A life without limits. A life without boundaries, without extent, without oppression. A life in which anyone can do anything at any time, regardless of their colour, their creed or their age. A perfect world? Not exactly.

Limitations are important. Limits are put in place to protect and serve the citizens of the world. While they may differ, the objective remains the same. We have legal minimum ages for drinking, driving and intercourse. These measures are imposed to minimise danger and maximise the safety of our world’s youths.

A 10 year-old cannot handle alcohol. A 10 year-old cannot handle driving. More importantly, a 10 year-old cannot handle the immense social pressures and media molestation that comes with stratosphere dwelling global superstardom.

My proposal – limits.

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It’s The Zombie Apocalypse. Brings Friends. And Extra Controllers.

As a creature of culture, zombies have it rough. You buy them on a disc, load it up, then shoot them in the face repeatedly. Imagine if the same experience was available for Paris Hilton and Simon Cowell. A man can dream…

Unlike many of their monster brethren, zombies haven’t received a media makeover recently. In the past 6 seconds alone, 16 new vampire formats have been commissioned by dastardly Transylvanian executives. There are now more vampires shows on TV than there are teeth in the world. Fact.

Why? Apparently they’re sexy and cool. Shit, they’re even on posters in teenage girls’ bedrooms. Because – I’m sorry to break it to you – your daughter/sister is a necrophiliac. At least, that’s what TV wants her to be. Why else would they rebrand an assortment of crusty old paedophiles and funnel them directly down the impressionable, young gullets of greedy, gullible adolescent females all over this dark and dank world?

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ITV’s The Cube: An Abundance of Acrylic

What do you get when a terrestrial television channel has an empty prime-time slot, a mysterious gymnast, and acrylic plastic surplus to requirement?

ITV‘s prime-time, acryli-fest gameshow – The Cube. That’s what.

Back for a second series The Cube fulfils the part of ITV‘s remit that clearly states the must utilise the abundance of Poly[methyl methacrylate] stored within the warehouse since Simon Cowell’s Plastic Death Dungeon of Doom was officially decommissioned in late 1997. Oh, you didn’t see that one?

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