Walking The Dog – International Reform

10.47pm. It’s dark, quiet. Cold creeps cautiously around your face as you brave the elemental outdoor conditions. Oblivious to your surroundings, headphones channel distraction directly into your brain. Wind howls, stroking your dog and blowing a fine rain into your squinting eyes as you wade through the thick, colourless mist. Your canine companion sniffs the air, identifying and categorising scents as he delicately guides your shoulder from its socket, pulling you along. Approaching a corner, you reel in the lead, restricting the allowance of your canis lupus in preparation for the bend.

Tentatively you turn the corner and a new horizon appears. Peering up at the tarmacadum from beneath your hood, you see a shadowy silhouette. It is what you feared. Merely ten feet in front of you, beneath the ominous luminance of a broken streetlight stands a humanoid shape accompanied by a long, thin line. You navigate the lead with your eyes, as does your hound. His ears prick up as he distinguishes a staunch shape from the darkness – another dog. All parties stop as the stand-off occurs.

You stare at the cowboy opposite, mirroring the intensity of his western glare. Your hands twitch above your holstered leads. Ennio Morricone’s Inseguimento reinforces the theme, courtesy of the ever-relevant iPod shuffle. Two men. Two dogs. One path. Someone has to make the first move? Will it be you?

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HMS HORSEBOX

After an inconvenient delay which the British people utilised to have a good ol’ moan, I am aboard. That’s right.

Fuck land.

I’m on a boat.

Motherfucker.

But I wasn’t always this enthusiastic. Far from it. I used to be terrified of this very situation. Floating precariously on perilous waters, aboard a huge, metal death-box. At age 10, as far as I was concerned I’d be extremely lucky to make it across the sea alive. In my mind, the chances of the ferry sinking like a dead stone to the bottom of the Irish Sea were highly likely.

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The Letter i: iHateYou

i i i i i

The 21st Century, it’s all iThis and iThat. From iMusic to iMac. iPlayer to iPod, iPad, iPhone, and iTunes. There’s iGoogle, there’s iCompany and there’s iSketch. Even the fictional figurehead of clandestine global evil has a little i before his name, isn’t that right iGod?

But when exactly did i become the letter of sophistication? Perhaps the ninth letter of the alphabet became jealous of letters twenty-four and twenty-six, who have become synonymous with mystery and cool.i launched its own campaign to rise through the alphabetical ranks to the very top. And i is trying damn hard to stay there.

Let it be said that I love Apple. You love Apple. Everyone loves Apple. After they went rotten for a while in the 80s and 90s, Apple reinvented themselves, but more importantly reinvented the letter i. Since then everyone from huge, multinational companies, to fledging new businesses whose creators happen to have seen far too many episodes of Dragon’s Den decide that to make their particular company or product stand out from the crowd, they should place an i before the title. But with so many lower case, iGnorant decisions being made, the global dictionary’s awash with critically dire diacritics.

One such example of a product needlessly condemned to the boring bin is the Vuzix iWear range. Now I propose that virtual reality video glasses are pretty cool to begin with, they absolutely did not need to be plagued by the i. This only serves to undermine the unparalleled uniqueness within by rendering it the same as everything else.

Genius.

But as special as pods and pads are, every self-respecting carnivore knows there is nothing, nothing more sophisticated than chicken. KentuckyFried Chicken to be precise. Yes, KFC really is food for thought, if you’re the kind of person that often finds yourself thinking; I’m growing increasingly bored of porcelain, I think I’ll take my family to dine from a grease-ridden paper bucket, with a smirking Disciple of Christ ominously staring on from the side. You do know why he’s smirking don’t you? He just lessened your chances of meeting the average life expectancy. Evil bastard.

But what is it that renders chicken more sophisticated than it’s meaty or mechanical rivals? Well the letter i of course. And if you’ve ever had reason to doubt this fact, simply contact Colonel Sanders and I am confident he shall dismiss your doubts with a true weapon of mass disillusion; the new KFC iTwist. i? Why? Why?Why? i?

iTwist: It makes about as much sense as a custard tractor.

Can any sophistication can be derived from the word; twist? What does this word conjure?

Twister?A spiralled ice-cream of artificial fruit.

Twister?A game for intoxicated inbred interlopes. Or my personal favourite;

Twister?A chasm of destruction delivering death to all who dare interact, much like KFC’s whole range of products.

In short, no. Twist, is not a particularly sophisticated action, or word. Meaning the complexities of this chicken wrap must be all housed inside that little dotted vertical line.

So although preceding a product with the letter ihas become a tired old cliché [much has the phrase; tired old cliché] It remains on the right side of sensible to place the letter before a suave, cultivated product; a machine perhaps. Machines are capable of incredible things, and will soon come to rule over all flesh-covered organisms. If anything warrants this stupid prefix, it’s machines. But chicken? Chicken?!I don’t care whether this is an OLED 1080p electronic chicken breast running Mac OSX Version 99.9.9 and beaming data holographically from a Wi-Fi hotspot located deep within it’s giblets. It’s still nothing more than a fucking chicken.

And as it happens, Sanders’ iTwist can do none of the aforementioned things. What it should really be called is the ‘goat’s cheese wrap thingy. Now there’s a catchy title, not arrogant in its approach, not patronising in its attempt to impress, but remaining informative enough to stand firm in the minds of prospective buyers. But in all fairness, “Each iTwist features a 100% all white meat Extra Crispy strip, fresh lettuce, and a blend of 3 cheeses, all wrapped up with a signature sauce in a colorful, flavorful tortilla.”

Shit.

3 cheeses?!?

Well grease my bucket! Colonel, please do accept my most sophisticated of apologies.

Yours

MacTingz

Article first published as iHateYou on Technorati.