The Teachings of Fiction: What Games Have Taught Me

When I’m not hiring and killing prostitutes, jacking and crashing cars, or ruthlessly gunning down helpless, disabled civilians due to a feckless overexposure to violent video games, I like to kick back, relax, and play some video games. It’s the perfect way to unwind.

But amidst these barbarian broadcasts urging all players to repeatedly stab everyone they meet in the face or heart, video games transmit an altogether different message. Saturating the minds of gamers with the most potent and dangerous weaponry known to man – knowledge.

Throughout my life I’m perpetually enlightened by a medium considered by many to be corrosive to the mind. There are studies relating gaming to the improvement of cognitive abilities, hand-eye co-ordination, logic, memory and multi-tasking. But in addition to these less tangible attributes, video games spray out facts like an edition of the Encyclopedia¬†Brittanica thrown in a petrol powered wood-chipper.

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It’s The Zombie Apocalypse. Brings Friends. And Extra Controllers.

As a creature of culture, zombies have it rough. You buy them on a disc, load it up, then shoot them in the face repeatedly. Imagine if the same experience was available for Paris Hilton and Simon Cowell. A man can dream…

Unlike many of their monster brethren, zombies haven’t received a media makeover recently. In the past 6 seconds alone, 16 new vampire formats have been commissioned by dastardly Transylvanian executives. There are now more vampires shows on TV than there are teeth in the world. Fact.

Why? Apparently they’re sexy and cool. Shit, they’re even on posters in teenage girls’ bedrooms. Because – I’m sorry to break it to you – your¬†daughter/sister is a necrophiliac. At least, that’s what TV wants her to be. Why else would they rebrand an assortment of crusty old paedophiles and funnel them directly down the impressionable, young gullets of greedy, gullible adolescent females all over this dark and dank world?

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