Blind Date: Sean McGeady’s Guide to Twitter Pornbots

This garish lilac set is violating my retinas. This stool isn’t particularly comfortable either. God, this is the last time I agree to anything whilst drunk.

“So, Sean, tell us a bit about yourself.”

What do I say? Am I supposed to tell the truth here? I suppose it couldn’t hurt, I mean, these women are presumably already locked into some legally binding contract. I’m guaranteed a date with whoever I choose. So it makes no difference what I say. I don’t even need to sound attractive. Alright. Blunt truth it is.

“Well, Cilla, I’m a 20 year old university student with mediocre facial hair, but aspirations of growing a majestic beard someday. I’m about 5’10”. I have hazel eyes and dark brown hair of varying length. I like metal music, video games and my favourite film is The Departed. I have a few tattoos and play bass guitar. That’s about it.”

“Oh. He sounds hot doesn’t he, audience?!”

Silence. Deathly fucking silence. Nobody is clapping. Nobody. Just the distant rustling of crisp packets. This is pretty embarrassing. Oh. HAHA. Well done, Ironic Wolf Whistle Guy. Prick.

“Alright, Sean. We’re going to bring out three lovely ladies and sit them behind that screen so you can’t see them. We’ll tell you a bit about each of them, then you pick your favourite! Okay, let’s meet the first of the girls you might be going home with tonight.”

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My First Time

It is my first time and I am nervous. Sitting in the dimly lit car park, lights flicker overhead and colourless mist seeps from the cold steel vents in the ground. Everything about my environment reinforces the nature of the activity I am about to engage in.

The building stands before me, rudimentary yet unyielding, dilapidated but foreboding. It’s like an old warehouse, long forgotten by all who have entered. It is the perfect setting.

Still, I sit, desperately mustering the courage to enter. I cannot wait much longer. It is almost time.

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Blood – A Very British Experience

We, the British – stoic in our sensibilities, steadfast in our sentiments, and famously stiff in our collective upper lip; our tears seldom shed, our smiles seldom seen, our heads often shaken.

Even whilst sharing a mutual objective, the motive of the Englishman is varied and many. I see it in their eyes. I hear it in their sighs. But none of this matters.

Ultimately, we are gathered here today to serve one extraordinary purpose – to save lives.

I am late. Hesitantly, as is my nature, I enter the Church Center and navigate my way to the first nurse. She asks if I’ve brought any paperwork. I have. She asks me to go to the waiting room. I do.

Time temporarily stops, my eyes glaze over and I stare straight through the nurse in to the blood farm behind. Blue uniforms swim through the aisles between the beds like sharks having caught the scent of blood. Cacophonous alarms signify the conclusion of each harvest, and dry zombie donors drift like spectres around the demure religious hall.

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Nicki Minaj Wants You Dead

If you’re reading this, I thank you. You are my demographic. You possess an elevated level of cultural awareness, and as such will not struggle to grasp my syntactic tonality.

You are impartial. You are intelligent. You are informed. As such, you have declined the many proposals of popular culture. It matters not what you declined in favour of, only that you didFor this you have paid a price. For now you possess a pejorative quality akin only to those able to reject the things others so dearly embrace. You are my demographic. You are a hater.

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British Summertime – The Horrors of the Heat

Jumpers for goalposts. Juice and bits. Hide and seek. Hundreds and thousands.

The tender cacophony of the ice cream van as it beckons cheery children from their stately homes, distributing dairy products, heart attacks and nostalgia in equal measure.

The sweet smell of freshly cut grass as it lays strips up and down the fields, and invades the nostrils of your friends as they curse their Hay Fever affliction.

The glorious splendour of the setting sun as it scatters celestial orange light above and beyond what little cloud remains in the sky.

The British summer is a wonderful thing.

But as darkness comes and the sun cowers behind the horizon, the night lurches toward us. With it come all the horrors of the heat.

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