The Glowing Reputation of Advertising

You’re at your local supermarket. ASDA, Morrisons, Tesco, or if you’re socio-economically superior – Waitrose. You peruse the same products, on the same shelves every single week. Mindlessly and mechanically using your winch-like extremities to pick up and deposit the same items into the same wheeled cage that you have for the last 20 years.

With the robotic monotony of supermarket shop shelving it’s very difficult for brands to break your habits and persuade you to buy something new, something you have never bought before. When every product looks the same as it did last week, and your tunnel vision takes you up and down the same aisles, to the same multipacks of crisps and teabags, how can brands catch your eye?

Well I’ll tell you – they make their products literally glow.

Introducing eCoupled, courtesy of Fulton Innovation

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Advertising: The Good, The Bad and The Pointless

56% of people claim that advertising has no effect on them. Actually I made that up because I couldn’t find any relevant statistical evidence. Anyway, today I saw an example of advertising that disproves my own fabricated claims. Today I saw advertising perform at its most fundamental level.

Projecting from the endless sea of citizens suffering in silence, was a sign. Wooden, it stood tall like a ship’s mast. It hung in the air. BoldBright. Offering a glimmer of saturated colour in a desolate wasteland of grey, corporate lunchtimes. Orange erupted above the conflux, exhibiting a clear message:

£1.49 Sandwich and Filling!

I watched as a man approached. He was of relatively small demeanour. Worn, dishevelled, he look as if he was in need of a sandwich but it was clear that the idea of investing in one had not entered his mind. Until that is, he saw the board.

He stopped. I watched his eyes narrow and his pupils flicker from

left                                                                 to                                                              right

as he carefully absorbed the erudition. Upon consummation of this propaganda I saw his eyebrows flutter toward the sky and his lips arch upward as he nodded, in both acknowledgement and agreement. Conveyed through a myriad of facial contortion, I witnessed that instantaneous moment of decisiveness.

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The Letter i: iHateYou

i i i i i

The 21st Century, it’s all iThis and iThat. From iMusic to iMac. iPlayer to iPod, iPad, iPhone, and iTunes. There’s iGoogle, there’s iCompany and there’s iSketch. Even the fictional figurehead of clandestine global evil has a little i before his name, isn’t that right iGod?

But when exactly did i become the letter of sophistication? Perhaps the ninth letter of the alphabet became jealous of letters twenty-four and twenty-six, who have become synonymous with mystery and cool.i launched its own campaign to rise through the alphabetical ranks to the very top. And i is trying damn hard to stay there.

Let it be said that I love Apple. You love Apple. Everyone loves Apple. After they went rotten for a while in the 80s and 90s, Apple reinvented themselves, but more importantly reinvented the letter i. Since then everyone from huge, multinational companies, to fledging new businesses whose creators happen to have seen far too many episodes of Dragon’s Den decide that to make their particular company or product stand out from the crowd, they should place an i before the title. But with so many lower case, iGnorant decisions being made, the global dictionary’s awash with critically dire diacritics.

One such example of a product needlessly condemned to the boring bin is the Vuzix iWear range. Now I propose that virtual reality video glasses are pretty cool to begin with, they absolutely did not need to be plagued by the i. This only serves to undermine the unparalleled uniqueness within by rendering it the same as everything else.


But as special as pods and pads are, every self-respecting carnivore knows there is nothing, nothing more sophisticated than chicken. KentuckyFried Chicken to be precise. Yes, KFC really is food for thought, if you’re the kind of person that often finds yourself thinking; I’m growing increasingly bored of porcelain, I think I’ll take my family to dine from a grease-ridden paper bucket, with a smirking Disciple of Christ ominously staring on from the side. You do know why he’s smirking don’t you? He just lessened your chances of meeting the average life expectancy. Evil bastard.

But what is it that renders chicken more sophisticated than it’s meaty or mechanical rivals? Well the letter i of course. And if you’ve ever had reason to doubt this fact, simply contact Colonel Sanders and I am confident he shall dismiss your doubts with a true weapon of mass disillusion; the new KFC iTwist. i? Why? Why?Why? i?

iTwist: It makes about as much sense as a custard tractor.

Can any sophistication can be derived from the word; twist? What does this word conjure?

Twister?A spiralled ice-cream of artificial fruit.

Twister?A game for intoxicated inbred interlopes. Or my personal favourite;

Twister?A chasm of destruction delivering death to all who dare interact, much like KFC’s whole range of products.

In short, no. Twist, is not a particularly sophisticated action, or word. Meaning the complexities of this chicken wrap must be all housed inside that little dotted vertical line.

So although preceding a product with the letter ihas become a tired old cliché [much has the phrase; tired old cliché] It remains on the right side of sensible to place the letter before a suave, cultivated product; a machine perhaps. Machines are capable of incredible things, and will soon come to rule over all flesh-covered organisms. If anything warrants this stupid prefix, it’s machines. But chicken? Chicken?!I don’t care whether this is an OLED 1080p electronic chicken breast running Mac OSX Version 99.9.9 and beaming data holographically from a Wi-Fi hotspot located deep within it’s giblets. It’s still nothing more than a fucking chicken.

And as it happens, Sanders’ iTwist can do none of the aforementioned things. What it should really be called is the ‘goat’s cheese wrap thingy. Now there’s a catchy title, not arrogant in its approach, not patronising in its attempt to impress, but remaining informative enough to stand firm in the minds of prospective buyers. But in all fairness, “Each iTwist features a 100% all white meat Extra Crispy strip, fresh lettuce, and a blend of 3 cheeses, all wrapped up with a signature sauce in a colorful, flavorful tortilla.”


3 cheeses?!?

Well grease my bucket! Colonel, please do accept my most sophisticated of apologies.



Article first published as iHateYou on Technorati.