Hitler Did The Right Thing…

Relax. Not that thing. I have a few issues with his ‘pro-genocide’ stance myself.

No. Ze Führer did another thing. Something that would eclipse all of his previous atrocities. Something that would ensure he would once again patrol the bunkers beneath the Reichstag. Something that would ensure he would dominate the annals of history as not only a vicious dictator and diabolical genocidaire but as a cunning tactician and gatling gun-toting, sharpshooter extraordinaire.

He did a courageous thing, a noble thing, the right thing – Adolf Hitler posthumously allowed id Software to use his likeness and presence in their 1992 FPS Wolfenstein 3D.

Had he not had the good grace to condone such a pixelated arrangement, nobody except Hitler himself would have ever shot Hitler.

See, he wasn’t all bad? Pretty easy-going actually.

Who am I kidding? Hitler was the most abhorrent and downright dastardly man ever to stomp around in a mech suit. We’d all happily fire a gatling gun in his direction given the chance. But he’s not alone in deserving to be showered with hot lead. When the world has so many non-fictional fascist dictators and covetous billionaire tycoons that we’d all happily take a pitchfork to, why are we trying our damnedest to conceive designer antagonists to take their place?

The greatest minds in game development have designed some deliciously despicable deviants since 1992. The vicious and insidious superhuman, Albert Wesker; the cold and faithless Crown Prince of Lordaeron, Arthas Menethil; the crazed and destructive God of Magic, Kefka Palazzo;  the cowardly and contrived electrical conduit, Kessler.

Each of these humanoid miscreants was conceived, composed and constructed in order to produce a living, breathing conduit of antagonism.

These fictional villains are imbued with the capabilities to perform atrocities. Many are responsible for the deaths of thousands of fictional civilians. But that’s the salient word here – fictional. Despite the many deaths caused as a direct result of Kefka, Kessler or Wesker’s actions, my animosity toward them will never be as strong as my animosity toward Mecha-Hitler, because my reasons for hating him are grounded in reality.

By creating a fictional protagonist that’s flawed, unique, and encompasses many of the heroic aspects of humanity that we all wish we encompassed, players are able to relate and genuinely care for who they’re controlling. By letting the player control said protagonist during an epic horse-mounted sword fight across the plains of Mongolia in which they duel none other than Genghis Khan himself, players are granted the opportunity to rid the world of one of the most colossal manslags and ruthless killers in history.

With the addition of genuine, real-life liars, cheats, legends and killers a game becomes much more emotional. We’re not short of genuinely menacing antagonists that could easily serve as appropriate end-level bosses. But before we go rendering 3D models of Robert Mugabe to place in Kirby’s Epic Yarn, we must first understand the contextual surroundings of our chosen villain.

Wolfenstein 3D is a first-person shooter set in Germany. Therefore it’s relevant that you’d run into an armour-clad Adolf. Developers must mirror this contextual placement in order to achieve maximum immersion in their games.

Topically speaking, there is one global villain that corresponds splendidly with a classic arcade game crying out for a HD, current generation makeover.

The Game


Released in 1984, Paperboy tasked players with delivering papers to subscribers for an entire week. Players gain points for each paper they deliver, with bonus points available for delivering the paper directly into subscribers’ mailboxes. Paperboy 2K11 would follow a similar theme, only with an advanced, 21st century narrative.

After several days of perfect newspaper delivery service, our hero rides to his favourite subscriber’s house to discover her sat weeping on her doorstep. A lengthy cutscene ensues, in which the player discovers that her phone has been hacked by The Daily Sun.

Our humble paperboy protagonist uncovers a serious phone hacking scandal. It transpires that The Daily Sun has hacked the phones of crime victims and celebrities in order to harvest and produce the stories contained within the very papers he’s delivering.

The Paperboy is outraged and embarks on an epic quest to find out who’s responsible, and restore order to the global media. His quest, leads him to News Corporation HQ.

Here players resume control of the Paperboy, as they guide him through the offices of the News Corp Headquarters, laying waste to the company employees with his signature weapon – the Millwall Brick.

During the early stages of the game, the player encounters only lowly secretaries, printers and runners, each of whom pose little danger. As the Paperboy gradually reveals more of the ever-thickening plot he begins to face more sinister adversaries, battling everyone from editors and private investigators to police and politicians.

After ridding a floor of all appropriate antagonists the player must board the elevator and ascend to the next floor of the building. But before the player can do so, the Paperboy is confronted by sub-boss of News Corp whom he must defeat in order to proceed.

Paul McMullenRebekah Brooks. Andy Coulsen. James Murdoch.

After defeating everyone employed by the News Corp empire, the Paperboy boards the lift one last time and finally reaches the top level of News Corporation HQ. The elevator doors slowly part, revealing to our hero his final challenge.

The Paperboy stands slack-jawed as he begins to realise exactly who is responsible for the corruption, the lies, the hypocrisy; the man responsible for erasing the very ethical standards he put in place; the mecha-man responsible for the rise and fall of the largest news conglomerate the world has ever seen. Before him stands a decaying, covetous billionaire tycoon, encased entirely in titanium. The main antagonist. The Emperor himself:

The Villain

Mecha-Rupert Murdoch

The stench of death fills the Paperboy’s lungs as you tentatively guide him into the room. Years of corruption have taken their toll on Murdoch. His face is weathered more than one would think possible. His ego eroded to little more than a faint flicker of bravado. His heart barely kept beating by his billion-dollar mech suit.

But just as sympathy begins to sink its seductive fangs deep into the Paperboy’s neck, in a blinding flash of inspiration he remembers the sorrow felt by the subscriber he so dearly loves, and in one swift movement the Paperboy lunges toward Murdoch and rips out the plug powering the last remnants of a once powerful empire, powering the mech suit, powering Murdoch’s heart.

The old man coughs and splutters slowly into non-existence. The empire crumbles leaving only the dust of a bygone era in its wake. The next day the Paperboy delivers a different paper with the headline – Paperboy Hero Brings Down Murdoch. As the credits roll he delivers the paper to his favourite subscriber, and seals it with a kiss. The End.

Rupert Murdoch is the perfect non-fictional antagonist, embodying all the aspects required to produce a climactic finale to any game franchise, particularly those in which you deliver papers. So News Corporation, if you’re reading, and why wouldn’t you be, I suggest you make this happen. The only way to recuperate all the losses you’ve suffered due to the hacking scandal is to follow the fine example set by Adolf Hitler.

Rupert Murdoch can claw back the respect of the public if he’ll only allow his likeness and presence to be used. But unless he does it soon, he’ll be doing it posthumously, because let’s face it, he ain’t got long.



8 thoughts on “Hitler Did The Right Thing…

  1. Very nice. It’s funny how the Murdoch scandal has subsided here in the U.S., especially after cries that the FBI and other such groups were going to investigate him. However, the American government is slow in doing anything (just look at the default debacle, which waited until the last minute and has spiraled into a 500 point loss on the DJIA). Remember how long they waited to join World War II? You guys were already deep in shit when we walked in, swaggering slowly towards French beaches after some skirmishes in Africa and so forth. At least I still hear about it on the BBC here and there but, just like most everything in the 21st century news cycle, it’s forgotten quickly.

    Also, I haven’t played Wolfenstein or Doom in years; this makes me want to again.

    • For the most part the entire debacle has evaporated over here too. At least from the main news stories anyway. But I don’t think there’ll be any hesitation once more discoveries are made. Thanks for the WWII help anyway. Better late than never.

      I think Doom was one of the first games I ever played, and since then I haven’t played many better ones. I loved how your health was conveyed through how battered the face of your character was.

  2. Dear Mac,

    Why, halloa! Been awhile.

    I’m very pleased to see that you’ve not closed the valve on your particularly peculiar wit, Sir, as I got a fairly big kick out of Rupert Murdoch in a pixel-ated mech suit, ha ha, having shot down Adolf in the original Wolfenstein when I was young, myself. In that old version, my friend and I found the image files for the game and like good young Americans revised the gun into a phallus and the firing animation into — well.

    Hitler’s death animation was vulgar more than somewhat.

    Anyhow, you came up in conversation with my goilfwend the other night when we were discussing the talent (or lack thereof) of the youth — although really, there are only ten years between you and I, if I recall. I reminded her of my enthusiasm about your work, and thereby reminded myself to remind you. Continually a bang-up job, here, my friend! Always a pleasure.

    In case you’re wondering, I’ve put my own Internet stuff aside to concentrate on the Great American Novel, which I arrogantly believe I am succeeding at. If you email me at botheyesshut@gmail.com because you are curious, I will send you some of it to prove to Europe that I am still relevant. It doesn’t suck. But don’t email me out of courtesy, as I promise I’m being well-treated over here in that regard and already have an ego like the planet Jupiter.

    Cheers, pal!


    • Both!

      Good to hear you’re keeping busy.

      That’s some serious commitment turning Hitler gun into a dick. It’s a shame I can’t hack me some crazy mods like that in my console games. Oh, did you ever play any of those games I was telling you about? I seem to remember you expressing an interest in Shadowman…

      I’m flattered to come up in any conversation really. Sometimes, whilst I’m half-awake in bed, I overhear my parents downstairs discussing how awful their only son is. I feel honoured. If that conversation happens to be across an ocean well, I might have me a celebratory glass of sherry. Then spit it out and find some vodka.

      Your novel sounds intriguing, I’ll happily partake in a sneak preview. Though, if I’m honest, I still have your Feminazis screenplay sat on my Mac desktop waiting to be read. Christ I’m such a lazy prick when it comes to reading stuff. I’m following you on Google+ anyway. Not that anything ever actually happens on there. I can barely muster the energy to update it myself. Put me in a circle man. Create a unique circle just for me.

      I’ve recently started writing for a gaming website called http://www.pixelsordeath.com, and as of today it contains a warped version of this piece told by a ridiculous fictional games developer we cooked up. It features some Wiimote action actually. It comes highly recommended.

      Look forward to hearing from you, man.


  3. I was actually partway into the Paperboy section thinking “I should have played that game longer, I never got to the conspiracy part” when I caught onto what you were doing. Need more sleep.

    • Haha. I know I’ve played the game somewhere, sometime. But I genuinely couldn’t tell you where. Maybe I had a Mega-Drive port of it. Or maybe I played it at a friends. Shit, the game could pan out into some elaborate conspiracy. I should really do more research before knocking up thousand word pieces.

      Sleep is good. Thanks for the pingback too.


  4. Pingback: indie posit » Blog Archive » Why you are not reading this? » indie posit

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