Exactly how many ways are there to skin a cat? There’s more than one. This we know for sure. So how many ways can one defrock a Felidae? 2 perhaps? 10? 100? More? The world desires a definitive answer on the wealth of ways in which one can abrade a Abyssinian, decorticate a Donskoy, exuviate an Egyptian Mau or simply scalp a Somali…
Renowned cat expert Eleanor Abernathy has been amassing and excoriating cats for decades. Devoting her life to her research, she has pioneered a plethora of techniques to strip away the skin of a stray.
In order to emulate her expertise you’ll need several tools, access to an appropriate facility and of course; a cat.
Preparation is of the upmost importance. Prior to capturing your cat it’s imperative that you have a pre-selected facility in which to perform the procedure. An appropriate facility should be selected depending on the proportions of your pussy. The procedural perimeter must be wide enough so that the cat’s whiskers do not touch the wall, thus impeding the operation.
The overall dimensions of the facility must be several times that of the cat. Generally, a good rule to follow is; if there’s room to swing it, there’s room to skin it. Experiment by swinging household objects to gain a sense of surrounding, and select the location that’s right for you. Once a suitable facility has been selected it must be sterilised in preparation for the procedure.
Cats can be agile and elusive creatures, generally lurking in perilous locales, frequenting alleys, rooms full of rocking chairs and hot tin roofs. The regular dwelling of the feline is often treacherous and beyond approach, and with no circadian rhythm to speak of, the activity cycle of the cat can be unpredictable.
Given the erratic social activity of the cat one must take a more deceptive approach. Using strategy and cunning, one can ensnare the creature by utilising it’s natural weakness: curiosity. Cream and mice can be used as bait to coax the cat from it’s treacherous dwelling, granting a ginger opportunity to capture the creature.
Cats are notorious for territorial aggression and will not react kindly to the threat of captivity. When cats attack they often pounce directly for their attacker’s tongue. If presented with this situation it is imperative that you remain calm. Despite their independent façade, cats are scaredy and can often be deterred by harsh sounds, particularly a recreation of their own hiss.
Once you have caught your cat it’s important to select the correct tool for the job. Almost any sharp object will suffice. From hatchets to claw hammers, there are tools to suit every type of skinner. The claymore for the highland skinner. The machete for the Mexican skinner. The scalpel for the clinical skinner. The cutlass for the high-sea skinner. The shiv for the prison skinner. Whatever your personality, there’s a tool to suit you.
Now that you’ve chosen your blade and lucky cat, you can transport your creature to your pre-determined laboratory/shed and finally begin to peel your pussy.
Many techniques have been devised to dispatch of cats of all shapes and sizes. From the King of the jungle to the Queenanne, techniques can be applied universally to the feline species. Fat cats, cats in hats, pyjama-clad pussies, ThunderCats and Catwomen all succumb to the same modus operandi.
One of the most primitive methods ever devised is the Precipitation method. Which involves a particularly heavy downpour and the wild swiping of a katana. This method is only recommended to seasoned veterans of cat skinning, due to the high-risk of canine fatalities. Beginners are advised to follow a less complicated process.
Begin by letting the cat out of the bag, draining it of excess fluid and restraining it to your sterilised surface. Cut along the ventral midline and gently coax the skin from the underlying muscle. Through some delicate cuts and lifts you can carefully preserve both the health of the cat and condition of the pelt. Eventually you’re left with a pleasing fire-side rug or a child’s Halloween costume. Purrfect.
Given the amount of breeds and species and the amount of techniques and resources, Eleanor Abernathy concludes that there are approximately 21, 045 ways in which to skin a cat. But the most difficult part of the process is catching one, something the author of this piece failed to do.
- No cats were skinned during the creation of this article
- All cats were actually skinned prior to this articles origin
- Oh, and if you’re wondering – I used nothing but a Stanley knife and some paper towels. Lots of paper towels.