Misdiagnosis – Royal Wedding Fever…

Writhing around in bed, sweating disdain from every pore. Kicking off the covers only to haul them over your sorry carcass again seconds later. Moaning and groaning under the immense weight of your own self-loathing. Fevers are not particularly pleasant. But alas we insist on attributing them to our national events. Surely somewhere within our amalgamation of other languages, somewhere within the pages of the Oxford English Dictionary, there are alternative words with altogether less negative connotations than this…


an abnormally high body temperature, usually accompanied by shivering, headache and in severe instances; delirium.

Jolly good.

I’m definitely delirious. My mind is melting as a direct result of the opposing reports pertaining to public interest. Judging from this Entertainment Tonight promo America is in the midst of a Royal pandemic. Hormonal hurricanes are tearing up the tarmac, leaving a torrent of overly expectant women in their wake.

Despite the constant coverage and perpetual, hysterical, hyperbolic promos, polls in the New York Times suggest that Americans don’t really care.

According to the majority of the world’s media, Royal Fever has not just gripped our nation, but every nation. Yet polls and soundbites from the archetypal ‘man in the street’ whom so obligingly represents us all, suggest we couldn’t give a shit, and he’s right.

Unfortunately we’re going to be force-fed it whether we want it or not. Come tomorrow your jaw will be snapped open and Monarchist promulgations will be poured down your throat until you can practically taste the sovereign state.

One feels like a simple peasant desperately attempting to complete one’s daily routine. Only to be disturbed by the imperial leviathan standing over me, prodding me with a giant diamond encrusted, metaphorical sceptre.

Hey. Hey. Do something. Do something. Hey, do something. React to me. React. Dance pleb. Dance!

And dance we will, because despite having to endure the monarchy monotony of April 29th, we’ve been granted another bank holiday. But guess what – we’re still at the bottom of the pile. Even Bosnia has more bank holidays than us. What the hell have Bosnians got to celebrate? We should construct a campaign to control more aristocratic activity. Be it marriage or assassination, whatever constitutes us being issued with more days off. Let’s make it happen.

To me it seems the media is trying to stir up interest that doesn’t really exist. At least, not in the volume they hope. Advertisements for the Royal Wedding coverage have been relentless. All the broadcasters and channels are crawling all over each, vying for your eyes. The problem is, despite this being a hugely important event in our national history, in Britain we’re simply not susceptible to epidemics of enthusiasm. I’m no doctor, but I reckon what the world’s media has diagnosed as Royal Fever is little more than a Royal Rhinovirus. If you think you have a fever you’re a hypochondriac. Take some decongestion tablets and shut the fuck up.

Monarchists claim they’re a part of us. They’re a part of our history. They’re not part of me.But with media coverage this invasive I fear that the entire Royal family may soon be inside me. To date I remain fever-free. But how long can that realistically last? Coverage has been crawling all over my television for so long now it’d be a miracle if I didn’t contract some sort of mild infection. Or at the very least a massive sense of self-unimportance.

But it doesn’t stop there. The media is able to delve into far more fickle aspects of the occasion than simply the ceremony.

What’s more dangerous than actual wedding coverage is the coverage of celebrity involvement. Who’s invited. Who’s not invited. Who gives a right Royal fuck. I cannot fathom why it matters who is in attendance. Realistically there are but three people that need to be there; Prince William, Kate Middleton and the assassin vicar.

Interest in the monarchy seems to wane as generations pass. We the youth, couldn’t care any less. We’ve hit our reverse terminal velocity of care. We’ve simply run out of give-a-shit. We’re all too busy lurking in dimly lit areas with our hoods up, stabbing elderly dogs to care about the rest of the world anyway.

Despite the disinterest the Royal Wedding is predicted to pull in 2 billion viewers worldwide. Making it the most watched event in televisual history. The temptation to spectate is strong, but I suspect the temptation to sleep may be stronger.

The only thing that could increase my interest in this occasion is after all this media coverage, after all the love and happiness, the hope and the joy, the fairytale relationship and the worldwide excitement, is if they finally got to the vows, and Kate said no.

That would be worth every penny of the tax I didn’t pay towards it.


Article first published as Royal Fever? More Like Royal Rhinovirus on Technorati.


7 thoughts on “Misdiagnosis – Royal Wedding Fever…

    • Maybe Ashton Kutcher could have sprang out from beneath her dress and shouted PUNK’D right in Prince Willy’s face. Can you imagine how good that would’ve been? I’d have regretted sleeping through it had that actually happened.

      Thanks for reading.


  1. To begin, I love how you deconstruct these asinine phrases our civilization implements to describe major public distractions. If you haven’t read Derrida you should.

    Also, I heard last night on NPR (that’s our half-assed BBC to you limey fucks) that only 23 million Americans tuned in, down 10 million from Princess Di’s funeral. It’s nice knowing Americans are more turned on by death than love. I guess less people give a shit about royal weddings than expected stateside.

    Personally I could care less. “Look, rich people getting married;” who fucking cares? I hate when people I know get married – sitting through boring ceremonies, wondering how long their marriage will last, starving because I knew there’s free food later (which usually sucks anyways), and dreading the awful music and drunk women dancing is usually not something I enjoy partaking in. Luckily, with this hyper-ceremonious charade I didn’t have to deal with any of that, only the shitty commercials while watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on BBC America (and no, I won’t watch Dr. Who. It wasn’t good 30 years ago so I’ll bet it’s still garbage now).

    My girlfriend, who is normally a very intelligent woman, made me record the wedding (which aired here at 4a.m.). Thankfully she didn’t end up watching it, instead getting the highlights online in quick little 30 second segments. Her royal fever passed quite quickly. In fact, it was more like a royal coughing fit, which passed in a matter of moments.

    However, at least your royalty has history attached; we here in America have shitty spokespeople. You have princes, queens, kings, and Ricky Gervais. We have Tom Cruise, Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie, and those drunk bitches from The Hills. I think you’re on the better end of that deal. =)

    • Thanks man. It’s nice to hear a compliment based on the structure and content of the writing rather than the ridiculous views I express. I have not read Derrida, but after a quick browse of Wikipedia I think I will.

      Fortunately I’ve never really attended a wedding. Well, there was one, my parent’s wedding. I was about three years old and cried the whole way through. So I’ve obviously never been a big fan.

      The fever seems to have passed quickly here also. The news coverage over the subsequent days was predictably slushy. But other than that there’s been little. And with the events that have transpired within the last 48 hours, I can’t see it being mentioned much more. But that’s a conversation for another time.

      I can’t say much regarding Dr. Who either, as I’ve never really watched it in the past. I have caught a few of the more recent episodes featuring the current Doctor though, and I have to say that they’re quite good. Well worth a watch if you can’t find anything else on. I’ve watched American TV, and found it to be mostly adverts. Adverts, adverts, adverts. It’d be a pleasure for you to watch something with no interruptions for once :)

      As for our respective spokespeople – Donald Trump…Christ, I used to quite like the guy. Now he’s trending as #donaldtrumpisabellend haha.


      • I loathe Trump because he’s fueling the “birther” fire over here again, demanding Obama’s birth certificate, which was delivered. I honestly believe the Obama administration screwed up on this one, conceding to Trump’s demands and giving him legitimacy. However, American politics is a fucked up freak show and it’s actually pretty embarrassing.

        I will admit most American shows are nothing but advertisements (even my favorite show – Mad Men – which is a series about advertisers: a contemporary advertiser’s wet dream) but there are those rarities which demonstrate why American television is beloved the world over. We’re the nation responsible for The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Arrested Development, Rome, All in the Family, and so forth; then again, we’re also the nation responsible for Two and a Half Men, Lost, Cop Rock, and thousands of other pieces of broadcast bullshit. At least your nation gave us The Office, Monty Python, Upstairs/Downstairs, Rome (partially produced by the BBC), Absolutely Fabulous; you also gave us Mr. Bean – I think we’re even. =)

        Even though you were three you were probably quite perceptive: weddings are boring affairs which suck your money from your bank account quicker than a porn site. I’ve been part of a wedding party before (I was a groomsman) and almost $1,000 later I was wishing they’d divorce within the first year. It didn’t happen and they’re still happily together. You talk about wedding fever over a celebrity wedding, imagine what it’s like when its people you know. What a fucking nightmare.

        Funny thing is I was married once. We had a low-key wedding that cost very little and only invited close friends. We’re divorced now…and I kept the house and my money. =)

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