Hey you. Yes you. I wanna sex you up. DUM? DUSL? IF/IB?
Sorry. That was awfully forward of me wasn’t it? In future, would you like to prevent the distribution of these sickening, sexual slurs?
Fear not fascist parents of the free world – there’s an app for that. Once again it’s Apple to the rescue. For never again shall we be exposed to the toxic indignity of forbidden inflections and the radioactive sickness of sexual syntax. Thanks be to Jobs. Amen.
Apple filed a patent in 2008 for software that prevents users sending text messages that contain ‘inappropriate’ language. Within the last few days the patent has been granted. The concept is to attempt to restrict people, particularly young children, from sending sexually explicit messages.
Enforcing set standards for grammar and language, it is thought that the technology will compare the text against a list of ‘offensive’ terminology and prevent the propagation of the message if the standards are not met. Causing the user to have to rewrite the message. Worse still, the message could be intercepted by an ‘administrator’, who would presumably ‘administrate’. Which is clearly a clandestine term for – obliterate, and refers not just to your text, but to you. Apple will obliterate you.
Apple hope to tailor the tech to cover deliberate spelling mistakes such as – vagani, which sounds like an Italian shoe company, and common ‘sext’ acronyms, of which there are more than you can comprehend. Q2C anyone?
Working titles for Apple’s software include – iAmSteveJobsandI’mScaredofSex, iForbidYouToUseDirtyWords and iWithdrawYourFreedomofSpeech.
Thankfully the technology will not be installed as standard. Instead parents could download and enforce the tool upon their children’s phone themselves. Apple claim they’re “enabling control”. They are enabling parents to withdraw control from their children, the user of the technology in question.
Fortunately for members of the UK who value their right to talk dirty [most do], the patent was granted by the United States Patent and Trademark Office, meaning this technology may not yet reach our humble – if a little high on the teen-pregnancy rating – shores.
What’s the problem with ‘sexts’ anyway? Does Steve suppose it will quell teenage pregnancies if horny kids can no longer send and receive “i wana fuk u hard lolz”? Sure their time would be better spent reading a book, but if kids get a kick out of poorly articulated messages with broad sexual connotations, who is Jobsworth to stop them?
I suspect the true motives are more sinister than a simple anti-porn campaign. Cunning capitalism and an attempt to shift stock seems more likely. Then again, I’m a professional cynic. Make you own mind up. But it’s clear the iPhone has become an iconic piece of hardware, amongst adults and teens alike.
Teenagers live increasingly aspirational lives. They believe a cool phone reflects their cool personality. But kids cannot afford anything from Apple’s magical land of shiny white plastic. They can’t afford an iPhone. They can’t even get jobs. There’s a recession or something. So who pays? Parents pay. And what’s the parent’s worst nightmare? Sexually explicit text messages apparently. Not hard drugs or paedophilia, but virtual penetration manifested in an amalgamation of insignificant lettering.
Control-freak parents are already salivating over the prospect of limiting their little angel’s lexicon. But at what age do they allow their child the blessing of linguistic liberty? At 16 when they’re legally allowed to copulate? At 18 when they’re legally allowed to view pornography? At 35 when they get their first girlfriend? What is ‘sexting’ anyway? Is it porn? Is it sex? No. It’s neither. It’s just words like all the above. Aimless, pointless, useless words.
The patent is but another piece of evidence of Steve Jobs’ anti-porn propaganda. What’s wrong with this guy? I suspect he was once caught in a furious act of self-appreciation by his grandmother, who simply entered to check if little Stevie needed help with his homework. Which was apparently an in-depth study of BDSM.
So King Apple has already outlawed sex. It’s inappropriate. It’s not like it maintains the survival and longevity of our race or anything important. Y’know what else isn’t important? Cannibalism. Necrophilia. Rival companies. They’re all inappropriate too. Anything that doesn’t directly affect Apple’s sales figures is pretty inappropriate really. So why stop at sex? Why not censor any mention of their rivals? BlackBerry? Google? Microsoft?
Who? Sorry never head of ’em. I hear Apple are cool though.
Why not just censor everything? They could begin shaping your every iPhone conversation. Maybe in the future I’ll send this:
“Hey friend. Fancy going out for a few drinks tonight?”
And my intended contact would receive this:
“Buy Apple products. Steve Jobs is my Lord and Emperor. I must obey Apple.”
Maybe this entire article is just one big piece of subliminal advertising. Maybe this isn’t what I typed at all. Maybe I must obey Apple. Must obey Apple. Must obey Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/Apple/AppleXInfinity
`\|||||…[-][=][+]… – ///- – Error: Sext Message Not Sent = Send Error Report?
Ah yes, I’ll take a first class ticket to Dystopia please. Yes, one way.
Article first published as Sext Message Not Sent on Technorati.